Workplace communication utility
What did that email actually mean?
Paste any boss, client, or coworker message and get three translations at once: the brutally honest version, a Supreme Court polite rewrite, and a retaliation draft you could actually send. The Bullsh*t Meter scores how much of it was corporate evasion.
Their message
0/4000
Bullsh*t Meter
Corporate evasion rating
--%
Awaiting a message.
Your translation will appear here. Add a message, then hit Decrypt message.
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How the decrypter works
Paste the message
Drop in the email, Slack message, or client note that left you squinting. Up to 4,000 characters.
Read all three versions
Brutal honesty, courtroom politeness, and retaliation, side by side, with an evasion score attached.
Copy and reply
One click copies the version you want. Sound composed without rewriting anything from scratch.
Popular phrases, decoded
Every entry in the glossary explains what the phrase really means, how it gets used, and how to answer it in all three registers.
“Per my last email”
I already answered this and you did not read it. Repeating myself is now a documented grievance, not a favor.
“Let's circle back”
This is not being decided now, and it may never be decided. The topic has been placed in a holding pattern that looks like progress.
“As discussed”
Nothing was discussed, or the discussion went badly for you and this is now being reframed as mutual agreement.
“Low-hanging fruit”
Work that is easy for someone else to do and therefore easy to assign to you without any additional resources.
“Just a gentle reminder”
This is the second or third time of asking and the softness of the phrasing is a warning, not a kindness.
“No pressure at all!”
Enormous pressure. The exclamation mark is load-bearing and the request has already been framed as optional so refusal looks unhelpful.
About the tool
Corporate Decrypter Pro is an independent workplace communication utility. It exists because a great deal of professional writing is deliberately imprecise: requests are framed as opportunities, deadlines arrive without dates, and criticism is delivered with an apology in front of it. The decrypter turns that language back into plain meaning, then hands you a version you can actually send.
The three output registers are the point. The brutally honest translation tells you what the message is really doing. The Supreme Court polite rewrite gives you the same substance in flawless, unobjectionable professional prose. The retaliation draft is the veiled version, polite enough to survive a screenshot. Every one of them is copyable in a single click.
Use the glossary if you want the phrase rather than the whole message, and read our editorial statement for how translations are produced. The tool is satire and productivity aid, not legal or HR advice.